Poetry? ?

Where does the rain come from..
Why does it have to fall?

I miss the warmth of the sun on my face...
I miss the blue of the sky...

Where does the rain come from?
Why does if all on me?

I miss feeling someones arms around me...
I miss knowing someone cares...

Where does the rain come from?
Why wont it just let me be?

I miss the laughter and joy in my life...
I miss feeling that everything is alright...

Where does the rain come from?
Why does if never stop?

MR'08

*************************************************





I woke up one morning
Just to realize

Everything I believed in
As a child,

Was not only
My imagination,

But a complete waste
of time.

Melting Popsicles on
A hot summer day,

Kites high in the sky
blowing in the wind.

Puppies and kittens nipping
at my heels.

Some things can only be enjoyed
as a child.

I woke up one morning
put on my suit..

Drove to a job that
I hate.

Is this what happiness is
supposed to be?

A paycheck that never
seems to be enough..

So far in debt my children
will be broke.

Why cant we go back to
Popsicles and kites?

Why must everything be
so difficult?

I woke up one morning
and realized...

This is how it
MUST BE.

MR'08
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L-O-V-E
an emotion we have been programmed to need?

With our without provocation..
Is is something we think we must feel...

Why is this?
Is it something that has filled generations?

Or something that left a hole in all of us?
Something we have tried to fill with our idea of love?

Something that babies come into this world needing,
And old people die never feeling?

What is it about love that seems to bridge gaps?
In age... race... language?

Without it, would we really be an less off?
Or is it the very thing that holds us together?

Like an internal glue, poured into our very souls...
L-O-V-E?

Where did it come from?
Why do I feel I need it in my life?

MR'09

New Year... New Post

So I haven't had much on my mind to "blog" about or so I thought... I am usually overflowing with "tidbits" of random knowledge or insight that I feel I just have to share, and I haven't had that feeling in awhile. Then yesterday I am sitting at Razzoo's eating lunch with Mom and Dad and WHAM! it hits me like a ton of bricks... I haven't been happy. When I'm not happy I don't sit around thinking deeply and feeling spunky... Of course at the time I thought I was the happiest woman in the world.. I had "love", attention, all the perks that make life worthwhile..

I have actually been in a fog for over a month. Feeling lost and alone.. somewhat helpless.. (A state which threw myself headlong into knowing full well it WAS NOT the right thing to do) When I moved back home, I just knew life was going to go right back to the way it was... me going full tilt 110% of the time. Having fun, living life... doing whatever it is that I seem to do best. Yesterday morning Bro. Hargrove was preaching and I went "uh DUH! that's my problem!" Not only have I not been committed to Him, I have been living with blinders on to avoid looking at Him. You know the feeling... "Lord I know your out there and I know I'm not in your will, but as long as I don't confess it to You, myself, or anyone else.. its not really a problem.."

wrong!

Things just kept building and building after what seemed like an eternity, Bro. Hargrove asked us to pray for our neighbors and as soon as Amanda laid her hand on me and started praying I felt like I had to move.. Being at the back just wasn't where He wanted me.. Needless to say I did a quit shuck and dive and made my way right up the center isle to the front, lifted my hands and... ... ... .. NOTHING!

OH dear God.. Had I missed something? Was the feeling I felt not from Him, but from something else? I didn't move though. I kept right on praying... struggling to find a shred of hope for me and my life... finally it came, and boy did it feel good. I haven't cried like that in months! I felt so cleansed and renewed.

But of course today has been one of the worst days.... I had a conversation I didn't want to have, but knew I had to, felt depressed and wanted to cry about everything.. Isn't that how it always seems to go? You finally get the answer your seeking... hear His voice... and the next day the whole world lands on top of you, full throttle...

Please don't misconstrue what I'm saying.. I am not begging for a pity party or a hug. I just needed to put this out somewhere in the hopes that someone has been where I am. I have had a song stuck in my head for days now and it goes like this "What God has for me, it is for me" For some reason it hits home.. something that simple.. what God has for me.. its for me! Not someone else.. its been mine the whole time. I haven't gotten it all yet cause I haven't used what he gave me to begin with!

Ok so as I step calmly and peacefully off my soapbox, let me just say this... If He never does another thing for me, I am His. If I never get another blessing, I am His. If I never feel Him again, I am His... this isn't a halfway thing for me anymore. I am going hard, or going home!! I just hope I haven't ran to long from His calling... I'm just a little like Jonah. :) Some people have to learn the hard way.. I'm the type of girl who has to find out for herself!